Living with Clinical Depression: Beginning Stages

My husband Dan is asking me questions about my experiences with depression. Here are the questions and answers. I hope you will learn something from my experiences and testimony.

Q. What first brought the onset of your clinical depression? Was it one incident or several incidents converging?

A. I believe that I was always depressed as a child but that I had developed coping skills to keep myself pumped up. Experiences with my family, the death of a loved one and subsequently being kicked out of an elderly relatives home whom we were taking care of and then several years of hormonal imbalance from trying to conceive were taking a tole on me. I also was pushing myself and my entire family to be perfect. We were always at church every time the door was open and quick to serve and take on tasks. I was not taking care of myself.

 The clinical depression began after a series of events in the summer of 1991 just as the church where Dan worked and I volunteered  called a new Pastor. One of the three previous co-pastors left and planted a church a few miles from the Mother church. Several hundred of our members left with him causing quite a stur. I loved this pastor and his wife dearly and was very upset over all of the anger and grief our church was experiencing at that time. Our entire worship team including another best friend who was our pianist and organ player and my husbands right hand in the ministry also left us. Dan and I were left to pick up the pieces of the music ministry. I was determined not to be angry with those who left even though rumors were circulating that the Holy Spirit had left our church and gone with the people who had left to start the new church. Dan and I did not feel called to leave our church so we begin to lead worship for both Sunday services and Wednesday nights while beginning a training course to help train and equip new worship leaders.  It was all consuming and exhausting. Eventually God sent new people to fill in the gaps and after one year of training the worship team was in good shape again.

 I also had two sweet adopted boys at home that GOD had blessed our lives with at that time. Both boys had ear infections and other sicknesses the first several years of their lives that had taken a toll on our sleeping. I was continuing to try to serve the church, be the perfect Mother and please everyone when Dan and I got word that there was a group of people within the worship ministry that were angry with me and were accusing me of trying to take over Dan’s job. We went to each person, one by one, and talked to them personally asking forgiveness if we had offended them in any way and asking them to please come to us next time if a problem occurred.

After meeting with five people I was so exhausted and discouraged. I had tried so hard to serve God, the church and make it better only to come under harsh criticism from people who I thought loved God and me. There was such a deep sadness in my spirit and my hopes were dashed that we Christians could be so mean to each other and not do what is scripturally right. I wanted everyone to do what Matthew 18 said…if you have ought with your brother, go to them. This isn’t happening, Lord. My loving church home was not the utopia I had hoped for and the reality was that it would more than likely never be hit me hard. (I was really neieve.)  I also could not understand why my God had let them have at me when I had been trying to do all of the right things I thought for the right reasons and it was as if I was being punished instead of blessed. I found myself at the foot of the cross in the sanctuary crying my eyes out to God and saying “If you want me to continue to serve you like this then you are going to have to do something to make me handle things better.” Two days later I was pushing myself through the exaustion to do my sister in law's perm, all our kids were playing and I suddenly had such a feeling of fear, dread and hopelessness like I had never experienced before. This is when I experienced my first panic attack.

TO BE CONTINUED (It gets better!)

Living with Clinical Depression: Celebrating Progress

My husband Dan keeps encouraging me to write about my experiences with depression and other difficulties in life. I wonder to myself why would anyone want to hear what I have to say about this. Maybe it would be better to hear from someone who really has victory over depression or someone who no longer struggles like I do.

As I think on this, I realize that though I am still a work in progress, I can share with you even the smallest things that help me in my struggle. Maybe that will help you somehow. That is why I really want to share. We are all in this together and we are being changed as we call upon the name of Jesus  and ask for HIS help.

When I catch myself thinking of my lack of progress or where I should be I am reminded of a part of my therapy…celebrate each victory…no matter how small.

One way to eliminate  negative thinking  and  hopelessness  is to look for progress no matter how small it may seem in the eyes of others or in comparison to what I was previously able to accomplish.
Life is 2 steps forward and one step backward sometimes. Don’t focus on the step backward but the step forward. CHOOSE TO CELEBRATE. That choice helps us to grow.

Some days we don’t move at all. Celebrate the fact that you are stable that day and that you are not moving backwards.

The days you do loose some ground or fall back in your progress, Thank GOD that He gives us another day to do the work, review the steps towards health, and turn it around. We should never allow ourselves to think that we have lost ground but rather we are still learning and each time we review our new way of thinking or reacting we are flexing our muscles and putting into practice  what will help us grow. Practice is doing the same thing over and over again so we will be able to do it well without hardly having to think about it. That is what we want! We replace the old with the new. Unhealthy ways die and are replaced with healthier ways. PROGRESS! CELEBRATE!

The days when you can’t even do that, DON”T GIVE UP!  Pray! Remember that your Father loves you just the way you are and rest in the knowledge that you will get the victory with His help and just hang on to His promises. Help is on the way.